Master Tape Theatre May 22nd 2003

-- Thursday May 22, 2003 (Replayed on Master Tape Theatre Sunday, May 12, 2013 and Sunday, September 22, 2013) --
Various Stuff. 5/22/03. 6:00am
Show opening bits and songs included: Captain Janks calls a Cerebral Palsey fund raiser as Kathie Lee Gifford and donates $500,000, Dido performs ''Thank You'' live in the studio.
Howard said now that ''American Idol'' is over, he can go back to living his life. He and Gary were wondering if they were surprised about the winner or not. He said it reminded him of the OJ Simpson verdict for some reason. Gary said both of the finalists get record contracts though. Howard and Robin think that Clay should have to go back to being the nerd that he was without a contract. There were people crying and freaking out when Ruben won the title last night. Gary pointed out how big Kelly Clarkson's ass looked when she came out dressed in all white. Howard said she really needs to lose some weight. Robin said all of the finalists from the show were there last night so there really are no losers on that show because they give contracts to so many people. Howard and Gary couldn't get over the Kelly Clarkson being fat thing either. Howard said she's a young woman and should take care of herself better. Howard said he really wanted Ruben to win because he didn't want to see Clay win. Robin brought up how there were groups of women who were fans of Clay's and one group was calling themselves the ''Claymates'' which was disturbing. Artie said if he had a child, he'd never let them be in a group called the Claymates.

Howard took a phone call from a guy who was on a cell phone. It sounded like the guy couldn't hear a word they were saying and it was pissing him off. Howard said people are calling in on cell phones all the time and it's ruining the show these days. A listener asked Howard how that show reminded him of the OJ case. Howard said it was the crowd going crazy for Ruben that reminded him of that case. There were a lot of people ''dancing around and whooping it up'' after it was announced that Ruben won. Howard and Artie joked about that for a few seconds.

Howard said Gary told him a bunch of stuff before the show and had some cool stuff to talk about but he seemed to forget about it when they got on the air. Then when Gary remembered what it was Howard said he didn't want to hear about it again. He said that when Gary told him about it off the air it was interesting but then when he tells him about it the second time, he gets stiff and doesn't tell it the same way. Howard told Gary that he gets bored hearing stuff like that twice a day and he shouldn't be telling him the stuff off the air. Gary said he won't let him talk on the air if he doesn't tell him the stuff off the air though. Howard eventually brought up the FHM 100 hottest women list and how Halle Berry was number 1. Howard said they talked about that the other day and Maxim called them and asked why they weren't talking about their list. When they got that list, they have a lot of women in spots they don't belong. Howard said Halle Berry was like number 44 and Christina Aguilera was number one. Howard said she looks horrible these days. Then there's Kirsten Dunst at number 33 and she's above Carmen Electra. Howard talked about how off the list was and how they seem to have put Drew Barrymore's head on a body that's not hers. Howard said the whole list was a mess. He started yelling out how it was all lies and threw the list in the garbage.

Howard said they had a meeting yesterday and Artie looked really fat to him. Artie said he's had a couple of setbacks lately and has gained a few pounds. He said he's not close to being at the weight he was at in ''Dirty Work'' though.

Howard took a call from a woman by the name of Lindsey who wanted to come in and do some lesbian stuff for him. Howard told her to come down but she had a strange voice that he thought might be a guys voice. Her girlfriend was also there on the phone and her voice was just as strange. It sounded like two dudes. They were in the city so Gary told Howard they could get them in today. Howard told them to get down there after asking them a bunch of questions about how they hooked up with each other. Lindsey said she needs to find some drugs to keep her awake if Howard wants her to stay up that late. He put her on hold so they could set her up to come down. Howard had to take a break before getting to anything else though.

Howard's New Office And Gary On ''Hollywood Squares.'' 5/22/03. 6:40am
Howard came back from break and Fred was playing a song by Moist. Howard said there's got to be a better name for a band than ''Moist.'' He goofed on the name for a few seconds and said he thinks of ass crack when he hears that name. Howard and Artie had some fun with that. Howard was announcing bands and saying ''coming up after Moist... Ass Crack!'' and stuff like that. Howard was doing his announcer voice and ended up talking about a friend he had who had one of those voices. He knew this guy Harris Allen who ended up taking a job he'd turned down at WRNW. He talked about that for a short time and tried to figure out what to do next. He took a call from Shuli but ended up talking about a meeting he had with Tom Chiusano. Howard said they have a bunch of new interns there at the station so he had to meet with them as well. Howard said he wanted to find a way to hire someone for the show so he had to meet with Tom about that. They still have money left over in the budget from when Jackie left the show. Howard said they also want him to go back to Las Vegas over the next couple of years and he asked him if he was nuts after that nightmare they had this time. Howard also said he talked to Tom about Steve Kingston and how he left the station. Howard said Tom told him Steve hasn't been able to get the ratings up for the station so Howard wondered why Tom isn't taking part of the blame for that. He wondered where Tom is in that. Robin wondered if Howard got to meet the new program director. He said he's not sure he exists but Mike Peer, the music director there, asked him to pose for a picture where he holds up a sign that says ''Hire Mike Peer for Program Director.'' He said he didn't know what that was all about though.
Howard went on to talk about how they store a lot of their junk back in his office and everyone on the show is allowed back there. He took a nap back there yesterday but then the windows were getting cleaned outside and that was disturbing him. Howard said there's talk about giving him a new office because their Corporate department is moving downstairs. He said they've already moved the accounting department out of the building. He said the whole department was Korean and made some jokes about that. He said he brought his dog back there and hasn't seen her since. He got back to the story about the new office he's supposed to get. It's going to be near the sales department and he knows the walk back there will be a nightmare because there will be clients back there and he's going to be greeting a lot of people. Howard said Tom decided to put his office next to his. Howard said now that means Tom will be able to meet with him whenever he wants though.

Shuli was on the phone and said he saw the ''Miss Butta Face'' contest and said it was great. He loved the whole show so Howard was thinking of doing that for Showtime who wants him to do a show for them. Shuli said Ralph is a weird guy and won't even look at the girls when he rates them. Howard said it's not easy to look a girl in the face and tell them how lucky they are. Shuli also told Howard that E! is still running those lame news scrolls under his show. Howard wondered why Mindy Herman from E! is lying to him about that. Howard had Robin Radzinski come in to find out what's going on. Robin said she was told the same thing and didn't know that was still going on. Shuli had a few other things to talk about from the show. He said the Sake Gary was drinking should be outlawed. Howard seemed to agree and said that his wife really has changed him. Howard ended up talking about how Gary did ''Hollywood Squares'' again and now they just call him ''Baba Booey'' and don't use his real name anymore. He said people have told him Gary always licks his choppers when he's asked a question on the show. Gary came in and said he licks his teeth and lips all day long. Stuttering John said he's like a lizard. Gary said he doesn't really think about it and it's an unconscious move that happens all the time. Gary claims that he knows what his role is on that show and it's not to tell jokes every time. He said there are people who try to be funny with every answer. Gary believes that his role on that show is to be funny when he thinks he should be funny. Shuli said he's like the poker player of Hollywood Squares. Gary said that the person in the center square always gets the jokes, the answers and everything else so they don't make fools out of themselves. He felt like Alec Baldwin had a joke coming out before the questions were even over when he appeared on there. Gary said he doesn't believe that he'd be asked back to do the show if he didn't know what his ''role'' was. Gary said people who go through the speed rounds these days don't even call him ''Baba Booey'' anymore, they just shorten it to ''Baba'' like that's his real name. Howard reminded Gary that he thought that name would never last when he first said them.

Howard changed subjects and said his daughter is taking the SAT-2 test and she asked him 20 questions and he didn't get one right. He tried to describe some of the questions but couldn't even give the general idea of a question. Howard said his daughter is really smart though and she'll be able to take the test no problem. Howard said he should get her on the phone and have her read some of the questions. He described one of the questions and how they had a ''h12.'' Howard asked her what that meant with the 12 at the bottom but when she told him, he'd never heard of it. Gary figures out of everyone on the show, Howard is the one who went to the best school. They talked about that for a few seconds before going to break. Shuli threw in one last question for Gary though. He asked him what his last argument with his wife was. Gary said he couldn't remember what it was.

Killing Time Before Jim Carrey. 5/22/03. 7:20am
Howard came back from break with The Ataris' remake of ''The Boys of Summer'' playing. Howard said they weren't the first band to do it though. He had another band that covered the song but it never took off. Howard said the name of that band was Code 7. He played a short clip of that and seemed to like it. He then said he thinks that Weird Al Yankovic has done something that he may like. He had a clip of that to play as well. He did a parody of Eminem's ''8 Mile.'' Howard listened to it but said he wasn't laughing. He said he was waiting to laugh and it just wasn't coming. He threw in his ''Backside Boys'' song parody that they did years ago and said he was laughing at that. Howard said he'll do a remake of the song and show Al how it should be done.
Howard read an article about how some soccer fans lit a dog on fire after a game. Howard said he doesn't know what's up with soccer fans but he figures the game is so boring that they have to do something like that to make it interesting. Artie said that game really is boring. Howard pointed out how the people here in the U.S. don't get up and riot after a football game.

Howard mentioned last night's ''American Idol'' again and how glad he is that Ruben won. He said he'd feel weird rooting for the skinny ''gayish'' white guy if he won.

Howard was going to get to some other stuff but Jim Carrey had shown up so he had to prepare for that. He had to put on his sunglasses before he came in because he wanted to look good on camera just in case he came in. Howard said he's thinking of having laser eye surgery because he really is blind without his glasses. He said he has to feel around in the morning for his glasses. He said Beth tells him that it's heart breaking to hear him tapping around for them when he's getting up. Howard said his mother even has a theory that he shouldn't have worn his glasses all the time as he was growing up because that made his eyes even worse than they were.

Howard said he's looking forward to seeing Jim who hasn't been on the show in a while. Howard said Jim was staying at his building for a while and he ran into him a couple of times. One time he had his father with him and his father thought he recognized him but wasn't sure. Howard said his dad was yelling that day because he can't hear very well. He said his father thought it was Jim Carrey but wasn't sure. Meanwhile, Jim was right behind them and he could hear the whole conversation. His dad said if he knew it was Jim Carrey, he would have invited him to dinner with them. Howard said Jim was trying to be low profile but his father was out on the street yelling his name and talking about how he would have invited him to dinner. Howard said he tried to tell his father that Jim was right behind them and could hear them but his father couldn't hear that either. Howard was trying not to make a big deal out of the whole thing but his father was making a lot of noise about it.

Jim Carrey Comes In. 5/22/03. 7:35am
Jim Carrey came in shortly after Howard had the discussion about his father. Jim said he remembers that day when his father was yelling. Jim said he ran into Howard many times in the elevator in the building they were staying at and they always talked about going to dinner. Howard said Jim was looking really good today and everyone else was talking about how great he looks. Jim said he's been working out on the treadmill lately. He said he was jogging out in Central Park when he was living in the city. Howard said it looked like Jim was having fun while he was there in the city. Jim said he did have some fun. Howard said he was reading about how many chicks Jim was banging while he was there. Howard asked him if he'd talk about that on the air. Jim said he did date a few women while he was there. He said as soon as he goes out with someone, it's in the paper and the woman is a ''mystery woman'' and stuff like that. Jim said he's having some fun these days and he's out of therapy now. Jim said he was in therapy for about 10 years.
Howard said Jim's life was really messed up. Fred started to play the sad piano music in the background as Howard described some of the stuff that he's heard about him growing up living out of a car. Jim played along with it and talked about his sad life. Howard asked him how long he lived out of the car. It was actually a Volkswagen camper according to Jim. He said when his dad lost his job he was really pissed. He said his father never made more than $20,000 a year when he was working. He also talked about how they used to heat their food on the engine when they were living in the camper. Jim said they also camped around the country, up in Ontario, and pitched a tent in his sister's yard at one point. Jim said he was a janitor for a while and had to carry around a baseball bat on his cart because there was like a race war going on at this plant he worked at. Jim said he would get so pissed about having the job that he'd punch a hole in the wall every day. The whole family was working at this plant at the time. He said he was only 15 at the time. Jim said some of the guys at the factory would crap in the sink and take an ''extra long bag scratch'' at the urinal so there would be more pubic hair there than usual. He said he'd have to clean all of that stuff up and would dream of getting out of there. Jim said when winter rolled around they finally realized that the camper thing wasn't a good idea anymore. He said now that he's successful he dreams of the days of cleaning up pubic hair.

Howard found out that both of Jim's parents have passed away. He wondered if it was a sad story for Jim. Jim said he feels that it was actually a success story because the worse you have it, the stronger you are. Howard moved on to ask Jim about what he does with his money since he was so broke at that time. Jim joked that all of his money is off shore so if he gets someone pregn